[ Watch The Birdie (Page 6) ]
Who’s laughing now? WHO’S LAUGHING NOW?
“Don’t be so unprofessional. This week you’re in Dallas to play the Cowboys…”
Sing when you’re winning! You only sing when you’re winning!
“…and on paper this looks to be a classic offence vs. defence matchup. We
currently have the NFL’s 5th-ranked pass attack, which will be facing Dallas’
2nd-ranked secondary. The Cowboys are also top of the heap in terms of points
conceded, giving up less than ten a game on average. Bill-Parcells-In-Disguise
really has things clicking on that side of the ball.”
Sing when you’re wiiiiiii-ning…
“Terence Newman, Derek Ross and Mario Edwards are an excellent 1-2-3 lineup
at corner. Neither Newman nor Edwards are particularly adept at wrapping up
their man in the tackle, however, so it’s possible that someone with, say,
Anquan Boldin’s size might well be able to muscle out some post-catch yardage.
That said, Darren Woodson and Roy Williams are probably the best safety tandem
in the league, so there’s a limit to how much damage will be done in that area.”
Dave McG’s red-and-white army! Dave McG’s red-and-white army!
“Defensive tackle LaRoi Glover is the rock that the rush defence is built
around. Greg Ellis and Al Singleton, the left end and sam linebacker, are both
good run-stuffers but neither plays all that well in space, so it’s likely that
Freddie Jones might well be able to find some space from the tight end spot.
Will ‘backer Dexter Coakley is in the midst of an All-Pro season, though, so
make sure you get a helmet on him if you’re running that way. Are you finished?”
Sorry. Go ahead.
“I shall. Luckily, things aren’t as impressive on the offensive side of
things. Quincy Carter is the first really mobile QB you’ve faced all year and,
as seems to be traditional for scramblers, he’s got a SuperGun for an arm but
lacks a little for accuracy. Troy Hambrick is a lot like Marcel Shipp – you’ll
need more than one tackler to bring him down, but he’s no breakaway speed.
Fullback Richie Anderson, an ex-Jet and a Parcells import, is a big threat out
of the backfield – see that screen-pass he took 50-some yards for a score in the
wildcard game against the Colts last year? - but a so-so blocker. He can get
away with that, though, because the offensive line is block-out-the-sun,
Mister-Creosote-in-tight-pants-type massive.”
I’ll be sure not to offer them any wafer-thin mints.
“Probably a good idea. Dallas’ pass offence is only 29th in the league, but
that doesn’t mean you can ignore it – Joey Galloway and Antonio Bryant are both
burners who’re capable of breaking the big play if Carter gets the time to find
them. And with your defensive front seven, he almost certainly will.”
No-one likes us! No-one likes us! No-one liiiikes us – we don’t care!
“I thought you were finished with that?”
I lied, plainly. We can see you sneaking out! We can see you snea-king out!
"Buffoon."
-
So into Dallas, then, defending our unbeaten record on the road this year. We
lose the coin-toss, and the Cowboys elect to take the ball first, which on the
face of it seems a pretty bold decision considering how indifferent their
offence is.
Which begs the question - what do I know? Troy Hambrick runs right over SS
Adrian Wilson on the first play of the game, eventually being tackled around
midfield after a pickup of 23. We’re not content with merely having a bad
run-defence, though, and two plays later raise our game until no fair and
neutral observer could describe our play as anything less than absolutely bloody
awful – backup halfback Avion Cason running right up the middle and going 41
yards to the endzone untouched by human hands. Sigh.
ARI 0-7 DAL
The whole pass-to-set-up-the-run thing we’ve been working on this season has
been more successful than I could have possibly anticipated, though, and against
Dallas’ so-so secondary it’s even more effective – Johnno and Anquan Boldin
seemingly able to get open more or less at will. Twice the Cowboys try to throw
Jeff off his rhythm with blitzes, twice they get exploited – Boldin on a quick
slant the first time, a delicately floated pass over the rushers’ heads to
Marcel Shipp for a dozen yards the second. The drive finally stalls at the
Dallas 15, Blake missing Johnno in the endzone on second down and Emmitt Smith
celebrating his return to the city where he made himself a legend by getting
thoroughly stuffed on 3rd-and-short.
Pillock. Gramatica thumps it between the posts, and it’s
ARI 3-7 DAL
Dallas just aren’t giving erratic quasi-quarterback Quincy Carter a chance to
lose this for them – it’s all Troy Hambrick, all the time. We have the big
halfback stuffed on 3rd and 3 in Cowboy turf, but he breaks a tackle – of course
he bloody does – to convert for a first at the halfway line as time runs out on
the first quarter. The defence gives itself another gilt-edged opportunity to
get a stop, sacking Carter on a rare pass attempt, but then strengthens its case
to be a first-ballot entry into the Feeble Run-Defence Hall Of Fame as Troy
Hambrick once again tramples one of my safeties underfoot – Superbowl MVP Dexter
Jackson, this time – on his way to another huge gain – 51 yards,
ARI 3-14 DAL
We can’t stop the run, but they can’t stop the pass – Anquan Boldin catching the
ball on his signature route, the ten-yard hook, then breaking a tackle on his
way to a 26-yard gain to put us in scoring position. Johnno snags one on
his chosen specialist pattern,
the quick slant in, that takes us inside the 10, from where nice blocking sees
Marcel Shipp slide over without a Cowboy getting close enough to read the name
on the back of his jersey. That’s a bit more like it, the deficit cut to 4 –
ARI 10-14 DAL
Both teams exchange punts, the net result being Dallas getting the ball at their
own 34 with two-and-a-bit minutes to play in the half. They ride Hambrick all
the way into kicking range, but then, finally, the big galoot is stopped short,
then stopped behind the line, then Quincy Carter takes a sack that pushes the
Cowboys right back out of field-goal range again. Heh heh heh. The punt,
predictably, sails right out the back of the endzone and we get the ball back at
our 20, albeit with just 40-odd ticks left on the clock and only two of our
timeouts remaining.
All the Cowboys have to do, really, is sit back in deep coverage, make sure the
sidelines are patrolled and not give up the big play. The worst possible thing
they could do would be to bring a big-blitz and ask their corners to cover
receivers who’ve been owning them all day man-to-man with no help deep. So when
the ball’s snapped and no less than seven Dallas players start heading for Jeff
Blake, it’s all he can do not to double over with mirth before he hits Johnno on
the slant for 20 yards. Just to satisfy themselves that it really
is a bad idea, the blitz comes
again on the next down, and this time it’s Emmitt Smith who’s uncovered,
scampering down the right sideline before stepping out of bounds at the Cowboy
42, a gain of 18. Quick completions to Bryan Gilmore and Freddie Jones burn our
last couple of timeouts, but leave us with a first down at the 20, 14 seconds
left on the clock. Time for one shot, I reckon. The players get their
instructions in no uncertain terms – get into the endzone, if they can’t make a
catch then make sure the opposition can’t either, Jeff Blake to throw the thing
away the microsecond he feels anything even approaching pressure – and in we go,
the five best receivers on my team – Boldin, Johnson, Gilmore, Jones and Smith –
all on the field at the same time. The Cowboys respond to my three-wide set with
a 4-3, which has to mean a mismatch somewhere, if Blake has the chance to find
it… five-step drop, and the first read is straight to Boldin, but the Cowboys
have that sniffed out with two defenders in the vicinity. Johnno’s covered too,
and the MLB is shuffling out to keep an eye on Emmitt’s lazy meander out of the
backfield…the odd man out is our speedster, Bryan Gilmore, who Dallas are
inexplicably trying to mark man-on-man with a lumbering outside linebacker. The
receiver fakes out, then posts in, Al Singleton trailing helplessly yards in his
wake as Jeff Blake drops the pass right into Gilmore’s hands to give us our
first lead of the afternoon as time runs out on the first half –
ARI 17-14 DAL
-
Looking good, lads, looking good. And we get the ball back at the start of
the second half with the opportunity to put a bit of clear blue water between us
and Fat Bill’s merry band of funsters. A quick score and, with no passing attack
that they’re aware of, Dallas could really be waist-deep in it searching for a
shovel.
Nobody said that Parcells was an idiot, though, even when he’s in disguise –
Jeff Blake tries to go to the well, the slant-in to Bryant Johnson, one time too
many, and safety Roy Williams steps smartly in front for the game’s first
turnover, the Cowboys getting the ball deep in our half. Drama becomes high
farce three plays later when we stuff Hambrick on a third-and-short, but get
called for a 15-yard facemasking penalty that moves the chains anyway. Dallas
don’t need a third invitation, and Quincy Carter finally completes a pass, 8
yards to Antonio Bryant for the go-ahead score. ARI 17-21 DAL
So, we’ve screwed up on defence, we’ve screwed up on defence… what’s left? Oh,
yeah. Josh Scobey, picked back up a few weeks ago to return kicks in place of
the injured Kevin Kasper, gets a harsh look thrown at him by a Cowboy defender
on the ensuing kickoff and obligingly coughs up the ball. Dallas recover at our
25 and cover the short field in no time, Carter diving over from the 1. I can’t
believe my eyes - seemingly in a heartbeat we’ve gone from being definite
favourites to win to having completely Cardinalsed it up. ARI 17-28 DAL
We have to respond, and we have to respond roughly nowish, seeing as we’re
absolutely incapable of much more than slowing down Troy Hambrick. Dallas seem
to have Marcel Shipp’s number, though, and three times get us into Official Down
And Distance Of The Arizona Cardinals situations. Three times, though, Jeff
Blake stays frosty and finds the open man to keep us moving all the way down to
the 6-yard line, where once again we’re forced to try and convert the 3rd down.
Anquan Boldin out-muscles Terence Newman to the pass and makes an absolutely
vital catch to get us back within a score, 11 minutes remaining in the 4th
quarter. Come ON! – ARI 24-28 DAL
Dallas have barely put the ball in the air all game, and that’s hardly going to
change defending a slender lead in the last quarter, is it? Hambrick, Hambrick,
Ham… oh, arse. The Cowboys catch us looking run and hit Antonio Bryant on a fly
down the left sideline – the big wideout breaks a couple of tackles but MLB
Ronald McKinnon busts a gut to get back and bundles Bryant out of bounds at our
2, a massive 57-yard gain. It’s only a temporary reprieve, though, as Quincy
Carter takes the draw over the goal-line and with 8 minutes left it’s ARI
24-35 DAL
We need another big drive to have a chance to get back into this, but this time
it’s not to be, a sack on 3rd down forcing us to punt away. Player’s booming
kick is taken in by rookie Zuriel Smith at the Dallas 22… and he takes it all
the way back to the house to ice the game. Jesus. ARI 24-42 DAL
Just to put the cherry on top, Marcel Shipp coughs the ball up at the Dallas 25,
making absolutely certain that there’s no Indianapolis Colts-style miracle
comeback on the cards here, then on 3rd and 25 at his own 20, Troy Hambrick is
met in the backfield by no less than three tacklers, bounces off the lot of them
and trundles 80 yards to the endzone. I don't know whether to laugh, cry or have
my defensive co-ordinator slowly tortured to death. Dallas have dropped back to
pass only 13 times in the entire game, and were sacked on four of those. As
against that, 30 carries on the ground have netted over 300 yards as our defence
has continued to discover new and fascinating ways to allow the opposition to
score.
Oh, the final score. If I have to. ARI 24-49 DAL, we drop to 2-3 for the
season.
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(c) daniel
roe 2004
